Ninja Still Life

The Feline Donkey

In a world of cubed watermelons, super-sized chickens, and patented soy beans, we look upon a gray, wilted future of finding nutritious food to eat. Pesticides, preservatives, and poisons; all proof that prompt production and profit are paramount to  'ppressing the people so the pope can put on his plush pjs. And as we become more and more aware of how mass-produced our diets have become, we feel helpless, angry, and cynical. But yet we have mouths to speak our complaints with. And knowing all too well what crap greedy humans of position will feed to their fellow man, I dread to think about what our silent pets are fed each day. And so I turn my thoughts to the diet of the house cat, and hope to give a little voice to the loyal companions we poison each day. But first we must go back to the beginning.

The Egyptians were the first civilization to domesticate cats in around 3000 B.C. Cats made the perfect guardians for granaries, as they naturally hunted and killed the rodents responsible for spoiling the stores of grain. As civilizations rose and fell and migrated around the globe, we took our furry little friends with us. And as our lives became more modern,convenient, and urban, the cat retired her role as guardian, and simply became our friend, our pet. Enter the first manufactured cat food.

The first dry cat food entered the market in the early 1900s as a much needed tool to save money and time. Cats are obligate carnivores, which means they are biologically wired to hunt, kill, and eat prey. However, as we moved further from farms, providing the cat her natural diet became more and more expensive and time consuming. The first dry cat food consisted mainly of dried meats in powdered form, and held together with a natural starch.

As food science and technology expanded, we found faster, cheaper ways to produce cat food, in very much the same ways we have seen applied to human food. Although, our pets have been made to suffer much worse than we have. Animal by-products became a cheap substitute to real meat, and a high-carbohydrate formula was introduced, ultimately leading to what dry cat food is today; a food fit for a grazing animal, not a carnivore. This has lead to a multitude of health problems in our cats.

For one, weight gain in cats, let alone any pet, is almost ludicrous when you think about it. What wild animal gets fat and lazy? Yet, as with humans, this is a major cause of much of the obesity in our society at large. Cats are simply not grazers. They hunt, eat once a day, and fast until their next kill. Plopping a bowl of corn starched lips and assholes in front of them, which they can nibble at all day long, makes them fat. Furthermore, by nature, being used to a high-protein, low-fat diet, their bodies simply cannot process the carbohydrates they are forced to consume as pets.

As we well know, carbs are broken down into sugars, and these sugars stress the pancreas--which is key to producing insulin to balance the level of sugars in the cats' system. This is why we are now seeing house cats with Type 2 Diabetes. We are also noticing a myriad of urinary tract disorders in cats. These are mainly caused by an alkolization in the bladder, once again due to a high concentration of carbohydrates. This can lead to bladder and kidney stones, among other things.

Possibly the worst of all is the fact that Kidney Disease is the leading cause of cat mortality in the US. Since the cats' natural diet consisted of about 70 percent moisture, we find that manufactured dry food, having a moisture level no higher than 10-12 percent, causes a chronic dehydration of the kidneys. And to repeat myself; companies allow this to happen because cats do not have the words to complain themselves. Yet, their growing list of health problems should be testimony enough to: a: the acute dangers of feeding our cats dry food, and b: observe their failing healths as a mirror of our own growing health concerns, regarding the consumption of processed foods.

In conclusion: stop feeding dry food to your cat. Ween them off, and begin feeding them only wet canned food. Go online and do some research about which wet foods are better than others, and what is readily available in your neighborhood. Or do what some others do: feed them cheap cans of tuna. Whatever works. As a rule of thumb, if you can't pronounce the ingredients on the label, you and your cat shouldn't be eating it. Avoid anything that uses rendered by-products--these are unsuitable for human consumption, and therefore unsuitable for feline consumption. Choose a wet cat food that is USDA approved, one that contains no carbohydrates, and uses natural preservatives. Meeeeoowww.......

Eat Like a Ninja, Live like a Unicorn

Ever wonder how a ninja warrior can disappear in a shroud of thick smoke, only to re-emerge on your ceiling sporting a handful of steel shuriken stars ready to be whipped into your face? Did you know that ninjas don't get gas, and if they did, which they don't, theirs would be as silent and deadly as their awesome skills to worse you out in a second!

You think ninjas get their burger on, and sit around rocking their jaws about what's awesome and what's worst? NOT! You don't even know what ninjas eat. I do. My cousin Brice is a ninja. What, you think I'd tell you his real name and compromise the identity of a highly excellent assassin. That's right; ASS-ASS-IN.

Anyway, I'm only telling you this so you don't get your ass put inside your ass by some bully who's out there RIGHT NOW thinking about you, and your face, and how he'd like to punch it with his fist TODAY. So here's what you do.

The Ninja Eat

1 large root of ginger
30 cloves of bull garlic
1 tube of wasabi
3 shots of old rice vinegar
2 cans of Asahi Beer
17 carrots

Now eat it, and harness the Warrrrrr---eeeeeeee-orrrrrrrrr powers of the Ninja, coupled with the mysterious beauty of the elusive UNICORN. Now we're talking something.

A Personal and Cultural History of the Tomato

Source: Cabinet Magazine, Adam Nollmeyer

In It's a Fruit Goddamnit!, from Cabinet Magazine, Barry Sanders gives us an entertaining personal history that blends seamlessly and poignantly with the broader world history of the tomato. His father was a Jewish Ukrainian immigrant who began his life in America as a pushcart tomato vendor in Newark in the 1920s. He eventually rose to become the wholesale tomato king of the vast and colourful City Market of Los Angeles from the 1940s through to the 70s. The life of this hard-driving, hard-living produce vendor is recounted with hilarity and grace. Saunders communicates the mixed emotions that a grown child feels for an over-bearing parent: resentment, resignation, and eventual understanding and admiration. We see the ridiculous loud-mouthed kibitzer making it on the streets of Los Angeles; mixing with gangsters and gambling at every spare moment. We are also given the infinitely wise final words spoken on the deathbed of a father to his son. The writing reminded me at times of David Sedaris, at others Saul Bellow, Philip Roth and even Charles Bukowski. Here is 20th century America, in its greatness, possibility, absurdity, and rage.

This alone would have made for a powerful read. But Sanders goes on to present the fascinating cultural history of the tomato. The journey from its origin of cultivation by the Aztecs in 700 AD, to the Campbell's soup can, was long and bumpy. It is astounding to learn how such a staple of the western diet, was for centuries viewed with fear and rancor.

Farmers in England found the tomato unfit for consumption even by wild animals, and grew them exclusively as ornamental plants. For one thing, botanists mistook the fruit's Italian name Pomo d'oro, the "golden apple," for Pomo d'amoro, "love apple," prompting authorities to issue strong warnings against its consumption, as a most potent aphrodisiac. As if that were not damning enough, the British also believed that the tomato was a hallucinogen, which could induce grand visions of flying. This helped to forge a close symbolic connection between tomatoes and those creatures who spent a good deal of time airborne—witches. And since witches had a special talent for conjuring werewolves, it prompted the eighteenth-century botanist John Hill to classify the tomato as lycopersicon lycopersicum, or "wolf peach."

 And here is where the story goes full circle back to the author's father. Early on we learn that tomatoes were primarily sold by Jews. Without implicitly stating it, Sander's shows how this ethnic based commerce was originally based on racism. The more desirable families of produce, such as the apple, were denied to the less desirable of races, namely the Jews. We are reminded how the seemingly random details of culture belie a vast and complex history. To know the history of the tomato is to know much about who we are as a species. This is some of the best writing I've read on the internet, heat up a bowl of Campbell's and enjoy.

Shortcut through Noodle Alley to Lasagna City

Patty's back, this time with a tale of culinary experimentation that threatens to revolutionize the preparation of one of Italy's most beloved of dishes: Lasagna.

A couple of years ago I decided to make cannelloni for 60 people. Since these tasty little suckers can be on the small side I decided to have three for each guest. This entailed cooking 180 pieces of dry lasagna noodles and then wrapping them up with a chicken, ricotta and spinach mixture then baking them with sauce. After preparing this for umpteen hours and serving it, I realized I could have made more money an hour volunteering at a soup kitchen.  The experience was so traumatizing I vowed never to cook a lasagna noodle again. Only problem was I had three boxes of this personal kryptonite left.

As time went by the lasagna noodles were pushed further and further away. When we recently moved they were packed by my wife (Anita) and were set in plain view in our new kitchen. I started planting the seed to Anita that we could make lasagna if she cooked the noodles and I would make the meat sauce. Although her decision to marry me could be considered flawed she wasn’t falling for this devious proposal. Then it occurred to me: Don’t pre-cook the noodles.

The decision was made and there was no turning back.  I mentioned it to a French chef friend of mine and we joked about the fact I’d be breaking my teeth on this crunchy cookie of lasagna. Deep down though I believed there was method to my madness. So I cooked a meat sauce for about ten minutes and heaped some of this in a ten inch pan. Then I started with a layer of dry uncooked lasagna and repeated another layer of sauce but this time with béchamel and mozzarella cheese. I made three layers of this and put foil over the pan and let cook for a half an hour. I took the foil off and added more cheese and baked it for ten more minutes. I then cut it in four and put one on the top of the other to make two. Voila!

When I had my first bite I looked at Anita and we both had huge shit eating grins on our face. Not only had it worked, it was the best damn lasagna we’d ever had. By cooking noodles in the sauce, the sauce had been incorporated into the noodle leaving every bite as good as the last. I apologize to the lasagna noodle. I ended up hating you because I didn’t understand you. I’ll tell you this much though, I’ll never make cannelloni again.

Thirsty Worsty

I emb berry sick gnow. I gan only watch teebee. By doze feels like sombwun filled id width so benny spits. Zo I gan ondly dringk fluidz. Ib you are sick lyge bee, dry this:

2 Tablespoons of mashed ginger
Juice of one lemon
1 tablespoon of honey
1/4 tsp. of cayenne powder

Blace in a gup and bore boiling wadder over bixture. Let steeb for few mins. Dringk. Get Bell Zoom

The Wavis Cocktail

When the Thirsty Ass orders up a cocktail he tends to fall back on tried and true standbys. When he's feeling his normal jaunty self, these would include the G&T the V&T and the J&C. For hangovers he turns to the bloody Mary (or the ceasar when on home soil). For baptisms, brisses and masked balls, the gin martini always takes the edge off. When symptoms of scurvy begin appearing, a greyhound or a vodka cran does the trick. Going any further than this tends to produce puzzlement in the bartenders of the kind of drinking establishments he frequents. Not that this presents a problem; the Thirsty Ass is generally content as long as there is booze in his cup.

But the Ass is always open to new flavour sensations, pass him the cup and he will drink. Earlier today, at the home of the great gynalcohologist Wade Davis, the Ass was presented with an entirely new species of cocktail. This cocktail contained a powerful secret ingredient. It produced a pungent flavour, somewhere between sour, spicy, sweet and astringent.  This complex flavour lit up all areas of the tongue and triggered a massive release of serotonin in the brain. It blended harmoniously with the vodka, and seemed like a long lost cousin of the apple juice in which it was mixed. Perhaps a few of you more astute readers have deduced the secret ... or perhaps it is beyond the imagination of anyone who would bother to read the ramblings of a Donkey. Anyway, here it is: organic lemon vinegar mixed with organic apple cider vinegar.

Vinegar? ... in a cocktail? that's right, you heard it first here, straight from the Donkey's mouth. I predict fruit vinegars will slowly begin popping up in the cocktails of finer drinking establishments. It will then swell into a world-wide rage with vinegar bars popping up on every corner. Finally the trend will die out as reports surface that vinegar, contrary to common belief, causes sterility in men and cancer in rats. But until that time, be the first kid on your block to be sipping the newest in new-wave vinegar cocktails. In honour of the mad genius who created it, it will heretofore be known as The Wavis.

(The vinegar in question was a homemade variety procured from the Zhong Mei Jie Market in Taichung, just up from Xiang Shang Lu, for 400nt a bottle.)

The Wavis Cocktail
Fill a tumbler 2/3rds full with ice
Add two ounces of quality vodka
Throw in 1-2 tablespoons of organic fruit vinegar (Wade's concoction was about 9 parts apple cider vinegar and 1 part lemon vinegar, but feel free to experiment)
Fill the glass with pure organic apple juice
Stir
Enjoy 


If you're feeling nutso, throw in the contents of one ripened passion fruit for some extra explosions of flavor. If you've got a mortar and pestle, crush up the seeds a bit first. 

My Favorite Vegetable and The Brief History of the Cigarette Filter

Do you remember how easy it was to strike up conversation and meet new friends when you were little? Glowing Wonder Bread years when, "what's your favorite color?" could create new best friends, perhaps even lead to a quiet game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours". If only life could be that easy now. So, in my daily existential comparing of what I was, what I've become, and still, what I am becoming, I've been asking myself some very childish questions, in hopes that perhaps the tiny fingers of these questions can help to unravel such a great knot of neural clusterfucks. So, I asked myself, 'what's your favorite vegetable?'

Surprisingly, it was not zucchini, or potato--both of which I am fond of...it was tobacco. Simultaniously amused and distraught by this admissive discovery, I found myself googling "tobacco is my favorite vegetable", and was astonished to find that it is a Frank Zappa quote. Apparently, a month or so before he died of smoking-related cancer, he was asked during his final interview why he continued to smoke, if he knew that it had caused his prostate cancer, to which he replied, "tobacco is my favorite vegetable." I guess I'm not alone. This leads to my next questions: what makes a good cigarette? and does the color of the filter really make a difference in the taste? Color psychology? Let's see...

The first question is easy: what makes a good cigarette? A little brand called 555, that's who. Filter color and its effect on the flavor and richness of a dart, however, is steeped a little deeper in our psyches, and requires a more thorough investigation.

In my brain, this is how colors work: red is steaks, brown is chocolate, orange is cheese. All these things are rich in flavor and texture. Therefore, as I need a stronger, richer smoke, I gravitate towards darker packaging, and will always grab a brown filtered smoke from a table if given the choice. White, on the other hand, is like fish, or chardonnay, or water, something pale and thin that will leave me craving a cheeseburger and a coke. But after doing research, I was kinda bummed.  It actually has nothing to do with color psychology, and if it does, then its origins are in the history of the cigarette filter.

First of all, we must understand why some cigarettes have brown filters, and why some have white ones. Historically, the first cigarette filters were made of crepe paper, which naturally had a yellowish-brownish tint to it. Later, came an actual cork filter, which is probably the reason why most brown filtered cigarettes nowadays still have little off-white flecks on them, artificially imitating the cork filters of old. Many years later, came the white filter cigarette, which was at first geared towards a female market, but then began to represent most light cigarettes, but not always. There are some tough smokes in Asia that don the white filter. Perhaps, and this would be psychological, that the brown filter too much resembles nicotine stained fingers, as if that dark filter could actually rub off onto the digits and be partly to blame for this unclean topical effect of smoking. Maybe the Asian market is less macho when it comes to smoking, as there are no cowboys wrangling on the Brokeback with a Marly Red dangling from their yaps to be seen in their smoking ads.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, so I'll just stop here. Tobacco is my favorite vegetable, 555s are my favorite brand, and I sign off here to go at once to enjoy one on my balcony.

Scanwiches

Here's a great site: scanwiches.com. The concept could hardly be more simple. To quote the homepage, we are given "Scans of sandwiches for education and delight". Through this narrow focus, we are not only given a visual database of the universe of sandwiches available in New York City. We are also presented with an ongoing performance art piece that documents the infinite variety of shapes, colours and forms that exist within the most rudimentary of dishes. More than this, the site acts as a form of personal diary. Imagine if we were all able to call up a database of every meal we've eaten, article we've read, movie we've watched, shoe we've worn, hand we've shaked, toilet we've used, girl we've ogled, etc. etc. etc.

Top: Fabiane’s: Roast Duck, Brie, Fig Butter, On a Panini 

Middle: Graham Avenue Meat & Deli: Homemade Roast Beef, Cheddar, Lettuce, Tomato, Spicy Oil, Balsamic Vinegar, Garlic Powder and Pepper, Mayo, on an italian hero 

Bottom: Homemade: “The Dagwood” Pastrami, Roast Beef, Peppered Turkey, Honey Ham, Bologna, Cotto Salami, Provolone, American Cheese, Cheese Whiz, Swis, Pepper Jack, Muenster, Cheddar, Alfalfa Sprouts, Tarragon, Pickles, Red Cabbage, Horseradish with Beets, Mayo, Mustard, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Fresh Tomatoes, Lettuce, Baby Lettuce, Shredded Carrots, Purple Onion, Bacon Bits, on an Onion Roll, White Bread, Dark German Wheat Bread, and Potato Bread.

Several real problems with food in Taiwan

Source: Taipei Times: Nicky Loh Reuters

The Taipei Times reports that several thousand demonstrators marched to the President's office yesterday to protest the lifting of the ban on the import of American beef products. Never mind that no one has ever contracted mad cow disease from American beef, or that the protests have been organized by Taiwan cattle breeders who stand to gain economically from the ban, or that the opposition DPP has whipped the public into a frenzy over the issue simply to attack the government.

Don't get me wrong, I love the inflatable triple-coiler turd. But if people in Taiwan are looking for things to protest, here is a list of food related issues they should be more concerned about than U.S. beef.

1.
9000 ducks were recently destroyed on a farm near Kaohsiung located on an illegal slag dump. All of the birds on the farm were contaminated with high levels of doixins and heavy metals. Ducks from this farm have likely been sold to consumers since 2006. Environmentalists point out that many more contaminated sites exist in the country and that the farm was only discovered by chance.

2.
Over 50% of processed food for vegetarians sold in markets in Taiwan contains meat

3.
Oysters farmed in Taiwan are known to have high levels of Arsenic and PCBs. Contamination is likely to increase with the planned construction of a massive industrial park near oyster producing regions. They are also known to be heavily contaminated with the vibrio vulnificus virus due to sewage pollution leading to wide-spread outbreaks of food poisoning. These oysters continue to be served raw throughout the country.

4.
Tainted Dog Food Kills hundreds of dogs in Taiwan


5.
High levels of Dioxins found in Fish Farms in Taiwan


6.
Contaminated food products entering Taiwan from China

7.
Contaminated corn and corn based feeds prevalent in Taiwan

Wokking the Donkey

The Hungry Donkey is pleased to present veteran Taichung restaurateur, Patrick Coulter. Here, the founder of the famous Papa's (We're Famous!) Pizza empire, waxes nostalgic about the great Chinese-Canadian food personality, Stephan Yan. Happily, Patty will soon be opening a new flagship restaurant in central Taichung. Rumours abound that the menu of this as yet unnamed establishment will be offering up such rare delicacies as 'phoenix and dragon happy together'. Stay tuned for details. 

I still remember as a young tike walking into the kitchen to a group of neighbors oohing and awing over an object that seemed to be garnering far too much attention if you judged it on just appearance. My father was tossing meats and veggies into this thing and second’s later people were fawning over the finished product. This, my furry little friends, was my introduction to the wok and some severely bastardized Chinese food. As the years went on, the wok was used more and more sparingly until it appeared to be nothing more than a kitchen ornament.  How this kitchen utensil got into my family and why it created such excitement can be attributed to one man: Stephen Yan.

Stephen Yan was a Vancouver restaurateur who was born in Hong Kong and started his own cooking show on CBC called “Wok With Yan”. The premise of the show was that Yan would come on and tell a few corny jokes to the studio audience and then he’d show the viewers how to make some Chinese food. He would always wear an apron with a different pun on the word “wok” on it. (“Wok the Heck”,” Superior Wok Manship” etc.) At the end of the show he’d invite a randomly selected audience member to try his food.  His show became syndicated all over the world (including Asia) and made for happy times if you were in the soy sauce business in Canada at the time.

Yan went on to make other shows, write books, and a video cooking series. I went on to University and a Chinese takeout spot near my house called Garden View (Gag n Spew) that served up such delights as Chicken Chow Meow and Cum of Sum Yung Gi. Every time I turn on the TV for another of the seemingly endless food shows I think back to Yan and a simpler time. Stephen Yan was a true pioneer and innovator. To him I say Good Wok.

If you want to watch reruns, just Video Google search “Wok with Yan”.

-Taipaddy

The Thirsty Ass: Liquor Container Design

We at the Donkey have two deep loves (aside from food of course): fine liquor and good design. Bring the two together, and witness the transmogrification of The Hungry Donkey into 'The Thirsty Ass'. In this long awaited first installment of 'The Thirsty Ass' we will take a tour of the latest and greatest in liquor packaging design.

Along with bottled water and perfume, liquor is one of the most challenging and exciting products to design packaging for. As a product, it has virtually no distinct visual qualities, it is shapeless, often colourless, and visually indistinguishable from rival products. Whereas a solid object dictates the shape of its packaging, a liquid takes on the shape of whatever container it is held in. Not only does this remove the normal constraints on the shape of the container, it also forces the container to visually define the product. Furthermore, liquor is something we consume to alter our emotional state. We drink it to temporarily transform into different people. So the container should, in some way, represent the kind of person that (we believe) liquor can help us to become. I other words, it should project an element of magic.

The first product is an amazake produced by the Morinaga Company.

Check out the restraint of the one colour printing, the happy little flowers, and the puffy white clouds. Funky, yet peaceful and unassuming. It's kind of like a mix between a Charlie Watts drum riff and a Hello Kitty dreamscape.

 

Next up we've got Yaoki Shochu. The bottle is a gorgeous piece of minimal sculpture in itself. It would make a fine urn for your ashes somewhere down the line. The labeling demonstrates traditional Japanese restraint updated in a techno-geometric composition. It makes me think of both architecture and Japanese pictographic characters. Looks like orange and white are where its at these days in Japan.

 Another minimal design, this time from Wyborowa Vodka. At first glance, this bottle seems to be overly derivative of Absolut's pioneering text on clear glass bottle. The design also co-opts the same trick used by Grey Goose of printing an image in reverse. The uniqueness of this design, is the way the text in blue, printed on the outside of the bottle, matches up with the text in grey, printed in reverse on the opposite side of the bottle. The phonetic aid of the (Z) above the name is also a nice touch.

 

Keeping with the text-only phonetic playfulness, we've got this design by ri 1, pronounced "rye one". Not knowing that it was rye whisky when I first saw the label, it took me a while to figure it out, but sometimes we donkeys need a little extra time.  A fine demonstration of the simple elegance of typography.

Last but not least, check out this optical illusion from Samurai Vodka. Corny? ... Maybe, but we donkeys are suckers for sight gags. You've also got to appreciate how a Russian company is taking vodka--the very symbol of Russia--and marketing it with a Japanese name and theme. It's a bizarre reversal of the old trick performed by the American vodka, Smirnoff, defrauding the consumer with an invented Russian name. Perhaps we're witnessing the emergence of a new species of cultural hybrid born from the forces of globalization. Let's see if MacDonald's comes out with a new stroganoff burger, then you'll know I'm on to something.

Secret F.B.I. prison rumored to exist in Taichung

A disturbing photograph, circulating recently on the internet, has sparked rumors of the existence of a secret F.B.I. prison located here in Taichung. These, unconfirmed rumors, claim the prison has been constructed to house and interrogate vocal opponents of the import of American beef brains, spines, tonsils, eyes and ganglia into Taiwan. As of publication, neither the U.S. State Department nor the local chapter of the American Chamber of Commerce, has responded to the Donkey's request for comment.