Have you fallen off your buggy, little donkey? Have you pried open a pair of bleary eyes onto an unforgiving and apathetic Sunday; as if the day itself had materialized into a double-chinned prison warden, pronouncing an interminable sentence upon you? Are you experiencing the nameless dread of the Booze Blues, wondering whose toes you stomped on with your cloddish donkey hooves--in your throes of Donkey Drink On? And did you not relinquish your rights to water, prior to crashing hard on the wagon trail? Well then, young Equus Africanus Asinus, it sounds like you've got yourself a little bit of a hangover? Now, you seek the antidote to your foolishness, yes?
Out of all the urban legends in the world, such as spiders growing in a man's pimple, or waking up in a tub full of ice, sans kidney, only the Hangover Cure has ever managed to reach the consumer sector of our society. A vast array of lotions and potions can be bought with a simple click of a mouse. The fact, however, is that none of them actually work. Yet, in the magical land of the Hungry Donkey, you may be yet saved from your self-inflicted woes.
Most seasoned drinkers know the causes of a hangover: dehydration and fatigue. The fatigue we feel is a logical summary of the parts or episodes of the previous night. Duh. However, on a biological level it is primarily due to the liver pining hard to process the toxins created by our gleeful consumption of alcohol. Furthermore, in these processes, we find ourselves lacking the vitamins responsible for the feelings of wellness we generally take for granted. In the parlance of the layman, we are left without B12, Sugars, water, and probably money. So, here's what you can do:
Being a gourmand and an alkee, I have devised a unique hangover cure. I shall call it The Donkey's Special Breakfast, or known in some circles as, The SIGS (Self-Inflicted Grief Syndrome) Remedy. Please note, this is a bare-bones cure. You may embellish it as you see fit. Here's what you do:
1. Make yourself a Virgin Bloody Mary. Do not reach out for the hair of the dog. Although, many drinkers stand by this Sailor's Fallacy, it only postpones the inevitable hangover, and actually creates more toxins for the liver to deal with. Besides, the vodka in a good Bloody Mary is almost invisible to the palette anyway. So, here goes:
STEP ONE--THE BEVERAGE
1. Use a good unsweetened Tomato Juice
2. Squeeze a Lemon into a large glass of ice
3. Add half a clove or more of minced Garlic
4. Dash of Worcestershire Sauce
5. Add a tablespoon of GOOD Apple Cider Vinegar
6. Throw in a tablespoon of Horseradish
7. Pour in your Tomato Juice
8. Crack some Black Pepper
9. Stir.
2. Get some decent Whole-Grain bread, a couple of eggs, some honey, some butter, and a banana. The bread will help absorb some of the bile in your stomach, while toasting it will produce carbon, which will act as a subtle filter and aid the liver. Eggs are a good source of Cysteine, a substance that will help the liver break down the culprit toxin, Acetaldehyde. Honey is a healthy source of sugar. Bananas are full of the Potassium you have lost through alcohol's diuretic effect. And butter is just so damn good...but it will help protect the stomach lining from the noxious swill you've accumulated down there. So:
STEP TWO--THE MAIN COURSE
1. Cook two eggs any way you like (poached is the best)
2. Toast the bread (the more you toast it the better, as more carbon-or char-will result)
3. Spread a layer of butter on the toast
4. Spread a layer of honey on the toast
5. Place your cooked eggs on top
6. Garnish with whatever you like, or have available
7. Eat it!
For the final step, you will need some Aspirin, or another low-grade pain-killer, water, your banana, and you will need to go back to bed, as you will see in the following step.
STEP THREE--THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS
1. Take a pill
2. Fill your empty Bloody Mary glass with water and drink it down. (DO NOT RINSE GLASS)
3. Eat banana (cold is better--as its texture will be firmer, and you will be less likely to spew, had you eaten it mushy)
4. Go back to bed
There you have it--The Donkey's Special Breakfast. Now, you may be thinking that eggs, honey, Bloody Marys and bananas are not a pleasant sounding mix. That's OK. Remember, you are hungover, practically still wasted; you had little discretion in your choices last night, so why be so picky today? This is a hangover CURE. It has nothing to do with temporarily comforting yourself with greasy food and coffee, as we've all done to no avail, many times. For one, your Sausage Mc Muffins will only put your body in a greater state of duress, and coffee is as much dehydrating as the very hooch that got you to this place. This is science here. Trust the gods of Logic. Try the Special Breakfast. In fact, force yourself out of bed to make it, as you will be feeling better and counting donkeys in no time...
Notes for the advanced: If you've successfully cured the physiological aspects of your hangover with help from The Donkey's Special Breakfast(R.), yet are still in the grips of SIGS, or Self-Inflicted Grief Syndrome, you may want to consider getting laid. Sex may be the only tried and true cure for the Booze Blues.
